his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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