Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
