Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
