bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
