I'm lost and stupid without you.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
We need a shit load of segways right now
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
