Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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