Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
