Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
