Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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