Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
