There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize