So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
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