three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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