Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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