It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
