my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
