im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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