Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
