In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
