I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
