I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
