After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Houston, we have a squirter
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize