When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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