I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I am puke
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
