between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
