I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
