Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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