You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
