I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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