That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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