A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
