How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
