Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
