Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
