at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
