I met the friendliest cop last night
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
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