I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize