My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
