I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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