my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
COCAINE IS GR8
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
