there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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