I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
