did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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