I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
