Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
