You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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