Your face is a jimmy john
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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