I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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