He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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