Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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