I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize