There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
She even gives head with a lisp.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize