Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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