she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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