If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
