i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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