you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
