you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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