I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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