She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
