So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
